AFFAIRS OF THE HEART (2019)

featuring Lonesome Gal

Adapted and produced by

John F. Barber

CC BY-NC-ND 4.0
(https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/)
Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-NoDerivs 4.0 International
©2025 Re-Imagined Radio. All rights reserved (except those granted by the Creative Commons license)

Re-Imagined Radio
Season 07, Episode 01

Final draft

AFFAIRS OF THE HEART (2019)
featuring Lonesome Gal

Re-Imagined Radio
Season 07, Episode 07
Final Draft

Premier broadcast: February 14, 2019

Synopsis
Re-Imagined Radio presents "Affairs of the Heart," for Valentine's Day. A live performance by actors from Metropolitan Arts and other community volunteers of episodes from four romantic radio drama series from the 1940s and 1950s to provide an entertaining sound-based narrative about love. These series are Romance, Short Short Story, The Romance of Helen Trent, and Lonesome Gal.

Credits
Writing, Adapting, Producing, Hosting by John F. Barber

Sound design, Music composition, Post-production by Marc Rose

Graphics by Dan Wyatt, Jr.(?)

Color Code
Yellow highlighted text = sound effect(s), either pre-recorded or live.

text example = text that could be deleted as needed.

Magenta highlighted text with strike through = text deleted for episode timing

MUSIC = pre-recorded

MUSIC = bespoke, created for this episode

MUSIC: PERFORMED LIVE BY RIVER TWAIN, "AMERICAN DUSTBOWL SOUL"
OPENING REMARKS
HOST
Good evening everyone, and welcome to Re-Imagined Radio. We are broadcasting tonight from the historic Kiggins Theatre, the heart of the arts district, in downtown Vancouver, Washington, USA.
I started this Re-Imagined Radio project in 2013, to provide community arts and entertainment. The idea is to re-think radio drama as live, [multimedia], and often interactive, performance. I am so pleased you have joined us tonight, whether in the theatre, or listening at home. We have a wonderful performance in store for you, which we will begin in just a moment.
But first, I want to give thanks and shout outs to people who have made Re-Imagined Radio possible. First, thank you to Dan Wyatt, Jr., generous owner of the beautiful Kiggins Theatre.
Thank you to Barbara Richardson, executive director of Metropolitan Performing arts, a school for theatre, music, performance, and dance here in Vancouver.
Thank you to Dene Grigar, director of The Creative Media & Digital Culture Program at Washington State University Vancouver.
Thank you to KXRW, Vancouver's community radio station who is streaming our broadcast tonight all over the Internet.
Thank you to Fleur Chocolatte for their solid chocolate truffles. Fleur Chocolatte was recently noted as the best chocolate shop in the entire state of Washington by USA Today. If you haven't visited and tried their chocolate, you must address this deficiency in your life. Go, enjoy, and take home some chocolate to share with those you love.
Tonight we are pleased to offer live music as part of our performance and here's a big thank you to Gus Reeves and Brad Wager, who, as performing musicians, call themselves "River Twain." We hope you will enjoy their unique stylizations of Americana "dust bowl soul" music.
I should also note that Brad Wager is the owner of Wager Audio and provides our sound engineering tonight.
Finally, thank you to the actors from Metropolitan Performing Arts who will entertain you with their vocalizations of tonight's performance. Radio is all about voice and other sounds and as you will hear, these folks bring a great deal of magic to the microphones.
ACT 1: LONESOME VALENTINE
ANNOUNCER
Tonight is Valentines. The biggest date night and opportunity for declarations of love during the entire year. Decades before the Internet, with its multiple ways of declaring your love 24/7, there was radio, which offered a variety of romantic programs for listeners interested in affairs of the heart. We begin with "Lonesome Gal," originally written, produced, and voiced by Jean King, of Dayton, Ohio, who used her sultry voice to connect with her target audience, lonesome men, and make them feel as if only for a few minutes each week, they were the center of her world. As if she were engaged in personal conversation, King called her audience pet names and cooed about their charming mannerisms and depth of character. To many men across the country during the late 1940s, King became a virtual girlfriend.
King began each episode of "Lonesome Gal" with a distinctive greeting...
LONESOME GAL
Sweetie... no matter what anybody says... I love ya better than anybody in the world.
(SINGS)
Lonesome
I'm a real lonesome gal
I can't stop feeling lonesome
Heaven knows when I shall
LONESOME GAL
Hi baby! This is your Lonesome Gal. Have a couple of minutes to visit with me before you get involved in your evening? You better have or I'll be very disappointed. You know how I like ya, real relaxed with your tie loosened, in your most comfortable position so you can visit with me every single minute I'm yours. Are your shoes tight? Then take them off and relax.
(SINGS)
Who knows
What tomorrow may bring
I wonder whether I'll know
When my heart starts to sing
LONESOME GAL
Dreamboy who do you love? You know it's funny but I don't think I've ever asked you that before. Not that I think your answer will especially be me, but I'm sure hoping that somewhere in that great big heart of yours you've saved a tiny corner for me. I need to be loved angel. With all I have in my association with you I still have a little feeling of insecurity. And I still have a tremendous feeling of loneliness... like you can feel from reading the letters in the personal columns of the newspaper. Sometimes the results are surprising...
MUSIC: UP BRIEFLY AND FADE BEHIND
ACT 2: THE GOOD SALESMAN
VIVIAN
My name is Vivian Wilson. I live in Vancouver, Washington, with my sister, Sarah, who is younger than I am, though she's married and has two children. I suppose I should really have been the young sister, because Sarah's quite the older-sister type. And I, I'm afraid, well... I'm shy and unattractive. It's a nice city we live in, but I'm lonely, terribly lonely. And the awful, wasteful, unnecessary part of it is that all around are thousands of other people just as lonely as I am. If you only knew how to reach each other. I suppose that's why I started reading the personal columns of newspapers where people tell their troubles and ask for advice, trying to understand the stories that lie behind those few lines signed "John," "Ruth," or "Mother."
SARAH
And I think it's silly and undignified!
VIVIAN
No, it isn't, Sarah! It's interesting.
SARAH
Prying into other people's affairs...
VIVIAN
Oh, no, Sarah. I just like to try to sort of make up stories to go with the little ads. Look, here's a girl in Kansas who says...
SARAH
Oh, for heaven's sake, Vivian!
VIVIAN
She says...
SARAH
I'm not interested in her problems out in Kansas. We've got enough of our own here, like the mending, and...
VIVIAN
I'll help you with the mending, Sarah...
SARAH
Well, I wish you would. With the youngsters...
VIVIAN
How long does it take mail to get to South America?
SARAH
What?
VIVIAN
Listen. (Reads) "Who will have pity on a lonely young American." Listen, Sarah. "...a lonely young American mining engineer in the jungles of South America. I am dying of boredom. Please, somebody write to me. Richard Marshall, General Delivery, Monteluna, Venezuela.
SARAH
You're not going to start writing to these people now, are you? For goodness' sake...
VIVIAN
Oh, Sarah, can't you understand? You've got all your married friends, your bridge club, Albert and the children. You've got dozens of things to keep you busy and occupied, but I haven't. And I'm lonely.
SARAH
Well, even so, you're hardly in the position where you need to write to perfect strangers! You're not going to write to him, Vivian.
VIVIAN
(Wearily) No, no I guess not, Sarah.
MUSIC: UP AND FADE OUT BEHIND
SFX: PEN SCRATCHING ENDS AS MUSIC FADES
VIVIAN
(RE-READING HER LETTER) "October 20. Dear Mr. Marshall: I'm glad to write to you, and perhaps I'll write to you again if you send me a nice letter in return. Life in Vancouver can be boring, Mr. Marshall, but I can't understand anyone being bored in South America. Please tell me about it. Would I like it there? And tell me about yourself, too. Very truly yours, Vivian"... oh, heavens no! I don't dare sign my own name. What would be a good name? Huumm? Ah, yes, Betty! "Very truly yours, Betty Wilson."
MUSIC: UP AND FADE TO OUT BEHIND
SFX: TYPEWRITER AS MUSIC FADES
RICHARD
(RE-READING HIS LETTER) "Monteluna, Venezuela, November 9. Dear Miss Wilson. I'm twenty-two years old and working on my first engineering job. I'm sure I won't be so bored with South America if I can look forward to regular letters from you. It would be very nice if you'd send me your photograph. We're going farther into the interior on a new oil survey soon, and it would be nice to have a picture of my new friend to take along with me. Please don't forget. And thank you. Yours truly, Richard Marshall."
MUSIC: UP AND FADE TO OUT BEHIND
VIVIAN
"January 22. Dearest Richard." Humm, no. "Dear Richard. Enclosed is a picture of me that was taken when I graduated from high school. I warn you, it flatters me. At present I am living with my Aunt Vivian. She wants me to marry a wealthy young man in the flour-milling business, but I don't want to. Haven't I been good to send you my picture right away? Now, you must send me yours. Please give my regards to the mango trees, the boa constrictors and the pampas. You see, I've been doing quite a lot of reading up on South America. With kindest," uh, no, "Fondest Regards, Betty."
MUSIC: UP AND FADE BEHIND FOLLOWING DIALOGUE.
SFX: TYPEWRITER AND PULLING THE PAPER OUT OF THE MACHINE.
RICHARD
"Monteluna, Venezuela. March 13. Betty, dear. It's been almost six months that we've been writing each other, and I feel that I know you better from your dear letters than I've ever known any other girl. Betty, you must not marry that boy in the flour business. Please wait at least till I can come back to the States. I am sending my picture, taken alongside one of our oil wells. Betty, dearest, if you love someone else my heart will be broken. You are all I ever think of. Please say that you love me a little, and that I have a chance. Yours forever, Richard."
MUSIC: UP AND THEN FADE TO OUT BEHIND
VIVIAN
(READING) "April 20. Darling Richard, I know that I love you. I'm sure that I do" (aside) I think (returns to reading) "I wish you were here..."
MUSIC: UP AND THEN FADE TO OUT BEHIND
RICHARD
"May 21. Betty, darling, I'm coming home! There's a little more survey work on one of our oil wells to do, but it will be finished in about a week, and then I'll be leaving. For the first time we'll see each other, Betty! Darling, last week I picked out something that I thought you would like. It is an engagement ring, and I will have it in my pocket when I see you. By the way, my favorite uncle, Mr. Albert Marshall who has been knocking about South America for four years, is also on his way back home.
RICHARD & SARAH
(READ SIMULTANEOUSLY, RICHARD FADING OUT AND SARAH FADING IN) "He'll probably get to you as soon as this letter. Darling, your aunt surely won't try to stop us from being married, will she? Until I see you, I love you, I love you, I love you. Your own, Richard."
SARAH
VIVIAN, what on earth does this mean?
VIVIAN
Well, Sarah, I've been meaning to tell you, but...
SARAH
Is that man in South America in the personal column?
VIVIAN
Yes, but...
SARAH
Oh, Vivian!
VIVIAN
I know. I've been writing to him ever since last October. And one thing led to another, and the first thing I knew...
SARAH
He was in love with you.
VIVIAN
He... he's not really in love with me, Sarah. I invented a girl named Betty Wilson. I was afraid to use my own name. And Betty's the one he's in love with.
SARAH
And he wants to marry her.
VIVIAN
And she's me! Oh, Sarah, what'll I do?
SARAH
(AMUSED) Well, Vivian, I didn't think you had it in you. How old does he think you are?
VIVIAN
(MISERABLY) Twenty.
SARAH
And you've been teaching school for fourteen years.
VIVIAN
Fifteen in September.
SARAH
You're three years older than I am.
VIVIAN
You're thirty-three. Oh, but Sarah, what'll I do? I never thought anything would come of those letters. And now he'll be here.
SARAH
Practically any day.
VIVIAN
Oh, Sarah...
SARAH
Well, you got yourself into this, you'll have to get yourself out.
VIVIAN
But I, but I...
SARAH
told him your aunt's name was Vivian?
VIVIAN: YES.
SARAH
Well, all I can think of is maybe you could tell him your niece Betty went and got married to the boy in the whatever-it-is business...
VIVIAN
Oh, Sarah, that's it! Maybe it'll work! Maybe, if I were to tell his uncle Albert when he comes...
SFX: KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS
RICHARD
Hello, I am looking for Miss Betty Wilson.
VIVIAN
Oh, hello, I'm her aunt.
RICHARD
Isn't she here? I had a message for her from South America.
VIVIAN
I'm sorry. Betty was... was married two weeks ago.
RICHARD
Married! Oh, but that's impossible. Why, they loved each other. She told him she loved, umm, him.
VIVIAN
You're Albert Marshall, then.
RICHARD
Did you force her to marry that flour-mill man?
VIVIAN
What? Oh, no! I... won't you come in, please?
RICHARD
Well...
SFX: DOOR CLOSES
VIVIAN
Won't you sit down?
RICHARD
Thank you.
VIVIAN
I'm terribly sorry about Betty.
RICHARD
I... my nephew will be sorry, too.
VIVIAN
Is he so very much in love with her?
RICHARD
Very much, indeed.
VIVIAN
He wrote such lovely letters.
RICHARD
You saw them?
VIVIAN
Yes. I... I... Mr. Marshall, can I trust you?
RICHARD
What? Why... yes, of course. But... why?
VIVIAN
Mr. Marshall, there never was any Betty Wilson.
RICHARD
What?
VIVIAN
I wrote those letters to your nephew, Mr. Marshall.
RICHARD
You wrote them!
VIVIAN
Mr. Marshall, you're a man of my age. You understand, I know. I was lonely. I felt I had to have a friend. I didn't mean any harm, but, I got in so deep with Richard that I couldn't find a way out.
RICHARD
So that's why you said Betty was married.
VIVIAN
It was the only way out I could think of, Mr. Marshall. I... I do wish I could help Richard some way, but... I've made a dreadful mess of things.
RICHARD
Yes. (SIGHS) Poor Richard.
VIVIAN
I'm so sorry, Mr. Marshall. If I could only help him some way...
RICHARD
Yes. Well, perhaps you could help him.
VIVIAN
I'll do anything, Mr. Marshall!
RICHARD
I'll do my best to explain it to him, but... look here, I think you'd better have dinner with me tonight, and we'll talk it over...
MUSIC: UP AND THEN FADE TO OUT BEHIND
VIVIAN
That was three months ago. We sat and talked of Vancouver, and D.B. Cooper, and everything in the world except Albert's nephew, Richard. And when I told Sarah about it, she complimented me. She was sure the whole thing was over.
(PAUSE) But it wasn't. Albert called me up the next week to tell me that he'd had a cable from his nephew in South America saying that he had decided to remain there and would he please explain to me. Well, three months is a long time. And Albert and I got better and better acquainted. Oh, in fact, here he comes now...
RICHARD
(ENTERING) I hope I'm not too late, Vivian.
VIVIAN
Why Albert, you look wonderful!
RICHARD
(WITH A TOUCH OF SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS) Thought the hat (LAUGHS) might be a little skittish for an old man...
VIVIAN
(LAUGHS)
RICHARD
...but it's all right for the occasion.
VIVIAN
It's wonderful!
RICHARD
Where do we go?
VIVIAN
Right around the corner.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS ON MARBLE FLOOR
VIVIAN
There. See the window?
RICHARD
Mm-hmm! Excited?
VIVIAN
A little. You?
RICHARD
Well...
SFX: A FEW MORE FOOTSTEPS AND STOP
CLERK
Yessir?
RICHARD
Well, I'd like to... uh... apply for a... a...
CLERK
Marriage license.
RICHARD
Why, how could you tell?
CLERK
Mister, I've been here nineteen years. Lady first. Name, occupation and age.
VIVIAN
Vivian Wilson. School teacher. Age 36.
CLERK
All right. You, mister? Name?
RICHARD
(AFTER A PAUSE) Richard Marshall.
VIVIAN
(SURPRISED) Richard Marshall!?
RICHARD
Vivian, dear, I should've told you this before. I should have told you that day when I first called, when you were so honest with me.
VIVIAN
But... but...
RICHARD
I started it the same way you did, Vivian. I was lonely, too, and a young mining engineer sounded a lot better than a middle-aged toy salesman.
CLERK
Occupation, toy salesman.
VIVIAN
But the photograph!
RICHARD
I bought it right out of a photographer's window, darling. And then I invented an uncle so I could come and see you.
VIVIAN
I... I see.
RICHARD
Vivian... does it really make any difference? If it does...
VIVIAN
Of course it makes a difference, Albert. Now I've got to get used to calling you Richard all over again!
MUSIC: MUSIC UP AND FADE TO OUT BEHIND
ANNOUNCER
And so they lived happily ever after, even if they couldn't remember each other's names at times!
You are listening to Re-Imagined Radio and tonight we bring you our special Valentines performance of "Affairs of the Heart."
You have just heard "The Good Salesman," sampled from "Campbell's Short, Short Story," a radio program popular [in the 1940s] from 1940-1941. As you heard two lonely people connect through the newspaper’s personal column and surprise themselves with the results.
MUSIC: TRANSITION BETWEEN ACTS
ACT 3: THE VALIANT
LONESOME GAL
Angel, wouldn't it be wonderful to be blessed with profound wisdom along the lines of life's most important subjects? I would love for instance to be able to give a logical explanation for all of the strange and unusual things people do when they are in love.
There is really no reason for a person to stumble blindly off a curb. Or make his exit in familiar territory through a closet that's filled with brooms and dust pans. And it doesn't make sense to me to have your heart beat so fast that you feel like you're gonna faint just because a person enters a room. Yet it happens.
ANNOUNCER
Yes, forgetfulness, confusion, and mental preoccupation always seem to go hand in hand with romance. But sometimes there is a real purpose to the actions of someone in love.
Our next act is sampled from "The Valiant," an episode of "[Theatre of] Romance," a popular radio program, 1947-1960, of light romantic comedy produced by the people who worked on the adventure series "Escape." Our little adaptation plays with the fact that one moment love kicks your heart to the curb. In the next moment, love sets your heart soaring...
SFX: RESTAURANT AMBIENCE
SUE
You're very quiet tonight, Jimmy. You haven't touched your dinner.
JAMES
Yeah, I guess I am.
SFX: FADE OUT BEHIND
JAMES
Hey, Sue. There's somethin' I've gotta tell you.
SUE
What's wrong Jimmy? What can I do to help?
JAMES
You can't help me, Sue. No one can.
SUE
What about your family?
JAMES
I have no family. I'm a wanderer. Few months in one city, a few in the next, and then hit the road. That's me. And I'm movin' on now.
SUE
I... I wish I knew what to say. I wish I knew how to keep you.
JAMES
Sue, don't you... Don't you understand what I'm tryin' to say? I'm no good for you or any other woman. My days are marked now. I don't have so many left. I've got a lot to do in them.
SUE
What do you mean you... you don't have so many left? Are you ill?
JAMES
(SARDONIC) Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, you bet I'm ill. I'm sick. Only there's no medicine that can get at what's gnawin' at my insides. No doctor can reach it.
SUE
(TEARFUL) Oh, Jimmy, I wish you'd let me help you. I love you so much, I wish you'd let me help you.
JAMES
No. I'm takin' you home. And I'm sayin' good night. And goodbye. And that's it.
SUE
And... then where're you going, Jimmy?
JAMES
Well, then... Sue honey... I'm gonna kill a man.
MUSIC: TENSE, DRAMATIC BRIDGE ... FADE BEHIND
NEWSIE
Extry! Extry! Read all about the big murder! Extry! Extry!
CLAIRE
I hope you don't mind my bothering you like this, Miss Rogers. My name is Claire Paris. I've come to see you because I... I think you might be able to help me find my brother.
SUE
I... don't understand.
CLAIRE
Well, um, my brother ran away from home over ten years ago. We've never heard from him since. My mother saw the pictures of James Dyke in the papers. She's sure he's Jimmy. She says the resemblance is very striking. I'm not sure myself because I was only nine when Jimmy left and I don't remember him too well.
SUE
Jimmy can't be your brother. He has no family.
CLAIRE
I know. That's what he said in court. But Mother thinks he might just be covering up, so as not to disgrace us. Then when we saw your picture and read that you and he had been engaged, we thought you might be able to help.
SUE
But he can't be your brother. He always said he never had a home or a family.
CLAIRE
I can't go home without at least seeing him.
SUE
You can't possibly see him. You see, my dear, he's being executed tonight.
CLAIRE
(STUNNED) Tonight? But I've got to see him. You see, there's another reason. The man James Dyke killed was the man who ruined my father in business. He was responsible for my father's death.
SUE
The man who ruined your father in business? You're sure?
CLAIRE
I'm positive.
SUE
Then come on. We've got to see the governor right away.
MUSIC: BRIDGE
WARDEN
Sit down, Dyke. (QUIETLY) This is the last chance I have to ask and the last chance you have to answer. Who are you?
JAMES
(WITH FINALITY) I am James Dyke, murderer.
WARDEN
(SNAPS) That isn't your real name and we know it!
JAMES
You're not gonna execute a name, you're gonna execute a man. What difference does it make whether you call me James Dyke or somethin' else?
WARDEN
You're a completely new animal to me, Dyke. We've never had a man here before that no one could find out anything about. Even that girl you were engaged to didn't know who you were.
JAMES
I told you who I am. If you don't believe it, that's your tough luck.
WARDEN
Do you want to make any statement?
JAMES
No. I guess I've said everything. I killed a man and I'm not sorry for it. That is, I'm not sorry I killed that particular person. He wasn't fit to live. It was my duty to kill him and I did it. I'd never struck a man in anger in all my life. But I knew a long time ago that if I ever found that man, I'd kill him. And I did it, deliberately, intentionally and very carefully. I knew what I was doing and I haven't any excuse. That is, I haven't any excuse that satisfies the law. I wouldn't even try and give them one. I learned pretty early in life that whatever you do in this world, you have to pay for, in one way or another. And if you kill a man, the price you have to pay is this. All right, I'm gonna pay it.
WARDEN
(DISAPPOINTED) All right, I've said my say. One more thing. Here's the twenty-five hundred dollars the newspaper sent you for that phony story of your life you gave them. What shall I do with the money?
JAMES
Well, I don't know. I'll... I'll think about it.
WARDEN
Dyke, there's a young woman outside in the anteroom. She's just come to see you. Do you want to see her?
JAMES
Not particularly. What does she want?
WARDEN
She thinks maybe she's your sister. She's come a two hundred miles to find out. You don't have to see her. It's up to you.
JAMES
(TO HIMSELF, THOUGHTFUL) Two hundred miles? Huh. (TO WARDEN) Two hundred miles, huh?
WARDEN
Yes. She's got special permission from the governor to talk to you. That is, with my approval.
JAMES
Well, okay, Warden. However you want to do it, but...  I have no sister.
MUSIC: TRANSITION, FADE UNDER AND OUT OF THE FOLLOWING.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
LONESOME GAL
Well Sweetie, in just a moment we'll return to Act Two of "The Valiant." But first, I want to talk with you about unpleasing breath.
I know you notice it quickly enough in others, the smell on their breath of a recent cigarette or last week's fish casserole. But, you may never suspect it in yourself. That's the insidious thing about unpleasing breath. You may be an innocent victim of this love thief.
Now baby, I love ya better than anybody in the world. And who better than someone who loves ya to tell ya that you have unpleasing breath. Yes, that's right, sweetie. You know I want to listen to everything you have to say, and I love it when you whisper your thoughts in my ear, but honey, unpleasing breath can ruin a tender moment quicker than an anvil dropped from the sky.
It happens every day... one person meets another. They fall in love. Then, just when the happy ending comes in view, unpleasant breath is detected and romance goes on the rocks.
Don't let unpleasing breath ruin your romance, Dreamboy. Instead, do this. Brush your teeth, night and morning and before every date, with Brand X Tooth Powder. Yes, night and morning and before every date... because scientific tests have definitely proved that in seven cases out of ten, Brand X Tooth Powder instantly stops unpleasing breath that originates in the mouth.
No dentifrice at any price will clean your teeth more quickly and thoroughly than Brand X Tooth Powder. Remember the name, Muffin... Brand X Tooth Powder, with the accent on "X" to stop unpleasing breath!
Well! Enough about unpleasing breath, honey. Let's get back to our performance. Claire and James are about to meet. What will they find in each other?
MUSIC: TRANSITION, FADE UP, HOLD BRIEFLY, THEN OUT.
WARDEN
Miss Paris, I'll be very frank with you. I don't think you'll have much success with the prisoner James Dyke, but he is willing to talk to you.
CLAIRE
Thank you, Warden. I'm very grateful.
WARDEN
Now, would you mind telling me how you think you're going to recognize your brother.
CLAIRE
I'm just gonna talk to him. Ask him questions about things he and I used to do together. I'll watch his face. And if he's my brother, I'm sure I can tell.
WARDEN
What did you and your brother used to do that would help you out now?
CLAIRE
Well, he used to tell me stories when I was a little girl. That's what I'm counting on mostly. Especially the Shakespeare stories.
WARDEN
(SURPRISED) Shakespeare?
CLAIRE
He used to learn all the speeches by heart. He wanted to be an actor. And every night, before I'd go to sleep, he'd sit beside my bed, and there were two speeches we'd always say to each other. Two speeches out of "Romeo and Juliet." And then I'd go to sleep.
WARDEN
I'm afraid you've come on a wild goose chase, Miss Paris. This boy never heard of Shakespeare. But I'll let you see for yourself. However, if he isn't your brother, you'll oblige me by cutting your visit as short as you can.
CLAIRE
Yes, I will, and thank you very much. You see, I've got to tell Mother something definite. She's worried so long about him.
WARDEN
I'll take you to him now. You can see him alone, but Father Daly and I will be in the next room so you needn't be afraid.
CLAIRE
No, I won't be afraid.
WARDEN
Good for you. Come on.
MUSIC: BRIDGE
JAMES
Well?
CLAIRE
(NERVOUS, UNCERTAIN) My mother wanted me to talk to you.
JAMES
(BEAT) Well?
CLAIRE
You see, we hadn't seen or heard of my brother Joe for such a long time. Mother thought... after what we read in the papers...
JAMES
You thought I might be your brother Joe, huh?
CLAIRE
(RELIEVED) Yes.
DYKE
Well, you can easily see I'm not your brother, can't you?
CLAIRE
Is your name really James Dyke?
JAMES
Yeah, that's my name. Miss, you don't think I'd lie at this stage of the game, do ya?
CLAIRE
No, I don't think you would. (SUDDENLY) Where do you come from? I mean, where were you born?
JAMES
In Canada. But I've lived all over.
CLAIRE
But didn't you ever live in Ohio?
JAMES
No. Never.
CLAIRE
What kind of work did you do? What was your business?
JAMES
Oh, I've been about everything a man could be, except a success.
CLAIRE
Do you like books?
JAMES
Mm, no, not every much.
CLAIRE
(DISAPPOINTED) Oh. How 'bout Shakespeare?
JAMES
Shakespeare? Are you kiddin'?
CLAIRE
No. My brother liked Shakespeare.
JAMES
Huh.
CLAIRE
Did you ever want to be an actor?
JAMES
Me? Nah.
CLAIRE
I hope you don't mind my asking so many questions.
JAMES
No, I don't mind. I've gotten used to questions.
CLAIRE
(HELPLESSLY) Do you know any poetry?
JAMES
Very little.
CLAIRE
Do you know this? (SOFTLY, INTENSE) "Thou knowest the mask of night is on my face, Else would a maiden blush be paint my cheek, For that which... (STOPS. THEN DEFLATED) You don't know it?
JAMES
No. Tell ya the truth, it sounds a little silly, doesn't it?
CLAIRE
(INTENSE AGAIN) "Good night, good night, parting is such sweet sorrow, That I shall say good night till it be morrow." (BEAT, PLEADS) What comes next?
JAMES
(PUZZLED AMUSEMENT) I don't know. What does?
CLAIRE
(PAUSE, FORLORN) I'm sorry. You're not Joe, are you?
JAMES
Uh uh.
CLAIRE
I'm sorry I bothered you, but I, I had to come and find out. Thank you for seeing me. Goodbye.
JAMES
Hey, uh... Wait a minute. Don't go yet. (CAREFULLY) You know, uh, I'm surprised your mother sent you on such an errand, instead of comin' herself.
CLAIRE
Well, she's very ill.
JAMES
Oh.
CLAIRE
It's all from worrying about Joe.
JAMES
Well, when you tell her I'm not her son, that'll make her feel better, right? Her son isn't a murderer?
CLAIRE
No, I... I don't think Mother will ever be really well again, till she finds out for certain where Joe is and what's become of him.
JAMES
Yeah. Yeah, I can understand that. Say, uh, what's your name?
CLAIRE
Claire Paris.
JAMES
(THOUGHTFUL) Claire Paris, huh?
CLAIRE
(YES) Mm hm.
JAMES
That's a pretty name. Sort of unusual, isn't it? Paris. Say, I, I've heard it somewhere, too.
CLAIRE
Oh, well, it's just like the name of the city in France.
JAMES
Yeah. (THINKING) And your brother's name was Joe?
CLAIRE
Yes.
JAMES
mm hmm, Joe... Joseph? Joseph Paris? Hey, I know that name. Wait a minute. What... What was that boy's name? (SUDDENLY) Wait, Wait a minute... I've got it. (TRIUMPHANTLY) Joseph Anthony Paris.
CLAIRE
(AMAZED) That's it. That's his name! How did you know?
DYKE
Well, wait. Wait. (STAMMERS, TO HIMSELF) Gee, I'm all excited. (FAST, URGENT, TO CLAIRE) Listen carefully to what I say... and don't interrupt me, because we've only got a minute...
CLAIRE
(AGREES) Uh huh.
JAMES
. . . and I want you to get this all straight, see, so you can tell your mother. Now, you see, when the war came along, I enlisted and I went overseas with the Canadians.
CLAIRE
You knew Joe?
JAMES
Wait. Wait, now. Early one morning we staged a big trench raid and there was an officer who'd been wounded comin' back from the raid, and he was lyin' out there in a shell-hole, under fire. Well, all of a sudden, some young guy dashed out of the trench not far from where I was and went for the officer. And he got the officer in his arms all right, and started back, but... Well, he'd only gone a few yards when a five-point-nine mortar shell landed right on top of the two of them.
CLAIRE
(GROANS IN HORROR)
JAMES
Yeah. Afterward, we got what was left. But the identification tag was still there... and that was his name. Joseph Anthony Paris.
CLAIRE
(OVERCOME) Oh!
DYKE
So, if that was your brother's name, then... you can tell your mother that he died like a brave man and a soldier in France.
CLAIRE
(STUNNED) And you were there? You saw it?
JAMES
Yes. Mm hm, mm hm, yeah. I was there, I saw it. Well, if you don't believe what I said, you just write up to Ottawa, get the official report. Of course, records are sometimes mixed up, you know, but... I've told you the truth. (GENTLY) And it certainly ought to make your mother happy when she knows her boy died as a soldier and not as a criminal.
CLAIRE
(TRANSFIGURED) Oh, yes. Yes, of course it will.
JAMES
And it, it makes you happy, too, don't it?
CLAIRE
Yes, very happy.
JAMES
Ah, that's good. I'm glad I was able to tell you before it.... Say, I'm, uh, I'm gonna give you somethin' to take your mother. Here. You take this envelope to your mother from me and tell her it's from a man who was in France and saw your brother die. So it's a sort of a memorial for him, huh?
CLAIRE
Oh, no, no. We can't take this...
JAMES
(INSISTENT) I want you to have it. I've nothin' to do with it myself. (SUDDENLY) Oh, you might.... You might do one thing for me. There's a girl named Sue Rogers...
CLAIRE
Yes, I, I saw her before I came here. As a matter of fact, she helped me.
JAMES
Oh. Well, uh, pick out some little thing for her, will ya? You know, a bracelet or a pin or somethin', just somethin' to remember me by, huh?
CLAIRE
You love her, don't you?
JAMES
Yeah.
CLAIRE
How, how could you feel like that about her and... kill someone?
JAMES
Well, Miss Paris, there are some things that have to be done no matter what the cost. Maybe what I did was wrong, maybe not. But, from where I sat, it looked like the right thing. And it still does.
CLAIRE
He was a bad man. I know that. He once stole everything we had. Mother told me that.
JAMES
He stole from a lot of people. Well, I guess you better go. Gee, I'm glad you came, though.
CLAIRE
Mr. Dyke? Could I kiss you?
JAMES
Oh, it... Thanks. Thanks for my last kiss.
CLAIRE
(VOICE BREAKS) Goodbye.
JAMES
Hey, uh.... What's wrong?
CLAIRE
I was thinking... I was thinking about what I used to say to my brother for good night. I wish I could have said it to him just once more... for goodbye.
JAMES
Well, why don't you say it for me?
CLAIRE
I told you. You said it was silly.
JAMES
Oh, go on. Say it again, hm?
CLAIRE
(SHAKILY) "Good night, good night, parting is such sweet sorrow, That I shall say good night till it be morrow." (MOVING OFF) Goodbye. Thank you.
SFX: HER HURRIED FOOTSTEPS AWAY ... DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, OFF
JAMES
(AFTER A PAUSE ... A WHISPER) Goodbye. "Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast; Would I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest. Of all the wonders that I yet have heard, It seems to me most strange that men should fear; Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come. Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once. The valiant never taste of death but once."
SFX: DOOR OPENS
FATHER
(QUIETLY) Come, my son.
JAMES
(UP, HIS OLD SELF AGAIN) All right, Father. (LOW, TO HIMSELF) "The valiant never taste of death but once."
SFX: DOOR CLOSES... ECHOING FOOTSTEPS AS THE TWO MEN WALK SLOWLY AWAY.
MUSIC: UP, FOR CLOSE
ACT 4: ROMANCE OF HELEN TRENT
LONESOME GAL
Sweetheart, I have the most peculiar sensation of being a wanderer for some reason. Even though I think I belong here. Maybe I wanna be loved.
(SINGS)
I wanna be loved
With inspiration
I wanna be loved starting tonight Instead of merely holding
Conversation
Hold me tight
I wanna be kissed
Until I tingle
I wanna be kissed starting tonight
Embrace me till our heart beats
intermingle
Wrong or right
I feel like acting my age, I'm past the stage of merely turtle doveing
Mmmm
I'm in no mood to resist and I insist
The world owes me a loving
I wanna be thrilled to desperation
I wanna be thrilled starting tonight
With every kind of wonderful sensation
I wanna be loved.
I wanna be thrilled to desperation
I wanna be thrilled starting tonight
With every kind of wonderful sensation
I wanna be loved.
LONESOME GAL
Muffin, have you ever been on a scavenger hunt? Gee, I think they're fun! Every time I've been on one, I've been given a list of things that are almost impossible to obtain. Of course, that's what makes it fun. The most difficult things I ever had to find were a bird's eye lash and a red curl from a bearded lady. Yes, scavenger hunts can be really challenging. Especially, when looking for love...
ANNOUNCER
You are listening to Re-Imagined Radio. Our program tonight is "Affairs of the Heart," a series of short dramas we hope you find appropriate for Valentines. Next, we bring you a sample from "The Romance of Helen Trent," a daily radio soap opera about a young woman, Helen Trent, who struggles with a complicated life trying to overcome unrequited love.
In this episode Helen Trent is deeply in love with the handsome lawyer Gil Whitney, and faces the most desperate hour of her romance as Fay Granville, an adventuress as beautiful as she is evil, has trapped Gil into a false promise to marry her, and is on the eve of announcing it. Yesterday, we heard Gil say to Helen...
GIL
Darling, this was devised by an evil woman. I love you, Helen. I never asked Fay to marry me, but Fay is trying to force it. Somehow I'll fight my way out...
HELEN
Gil, there's only one way to find out Fay Granville's past. If you could prove she's a notorious woman... if you could just...
GIL
I've tried, Helen. Fay has covered her tracks TOO well.
HELEN
Then Gil, I'm going to try. There must be someone, somewhere who knew Fay Granville once.
GIL
If there is, Helen, You're not going to find out. Fay Granville is as vicious and ruthless as she is clever. She'll stop at nothing to harm you if it suits her. That's the hold she has over me, darling. And you, Helen, are going to stay away from her!
ANNOUNCER
But Helen has already taken steps to learn Fay Granville's identity. Just yesterday, Brett Chapman, the multi-millionaire who is still in love with Helen, and whom Gil hates with a violent jealousy, brought Helen snapshots of the elusive Fay Granville. Unaware that Gil was approaching the house through the patio, Helen says to Brett...
HELEN
Brett, if we could get these pictures of Fay Granville into the newspapers, someone might recognize Fay and stop her from marrying Gil.
BRETT
That's all you care about, isn't it, Helen? What happens to Gil Whitney...
HELEN
I love Gil, Brett. I've never pretended anything else to you. I'd do anything to stop that woman from ruining his life and mine. Let me have the pictures, Brett.
BRETT
Just a minute! Not so fast, Helen my beautiful!
HELEN
(SURPRISED) What do you mean? The pictures are mine... I took them...
BRETT
But you lost the film and I found it. I had it developed. That gives me some claim...
HELEN
No Brett, don't play jokes with me now, I'm nearly crazy over what Fay Granvile is doing!
BRETT
Well suppose it doesn't suit me, my darling, to turn over the pictures to you! After all, it's to my advantage to see Fay Granville go hog-tie your precious Whitney and leave you free... because when you are free, Helen... well, you'll come back to me! You were engaged to me once...
HELEN
That was a long time ago! I don't love you, Brett! Don't think you can force me to!
BRETT
No, not now. Not while you have Whitney and his fool mistakes to moon over. But... after Gil's married to Fay... why then I'll...
HELEN
Gil Whitney will never marry Fay Granville!!
BRETT
Well he's smart, Helen. But I've seen Fay Granville operate. No man is smart enough to get away from her... if she doesn't want him to.
HELEN
I don't believe that.
BRETT
Besides, Gil's wife, Cynthia...
HELEN
...wife in name only!
BRETT
Call Cynthia anything you please! She still holds the legal strings. She's leaving for Mexico right after Fay's party to divorce Gil... providing he marries Fay. You haven't a chance, my pure, noble, beautiful goddess!
HELEN
Oh Brett, if you've come here to bully me...
BRETT
I came here to make love to you. I brought you the snapshots of Fay Granville, didn't I?
HELEN
Then give them to me, Brett, if you have any...
BRETT
Honor... is the word. Well I haven't when it comes to you. (VOICE LOWER) I want you , Helen. (VOICE HARD AND COLD) And I'll try every trick in the book to get you. (VOICE NORMAL) Could anything be fairer than a warning like that?
HELEN
Brett, please let me have the pictures.
BRETT
(MOCKING) What ... do I get for them?
HELEN
Are you bargaining with me?
BRETT
You bet I am! My price for the pictures is that you go to Fay's party with me, when she announces her engagement to Gil.
HELEN
Gil has forbidden me to be there!
BRETT
You want the pictures, don't you? That's my price!
HELEN
(NOBLY) I see. You think you can buy me as you do everything else in your life. Well, I... All right, I'll go with you, Brett, for the pictures.
BRETT
Plus... a kiss. A real kiss. Between a woman... you... and a man who's crazy for her. That's me.
HELEN
(PANICKING) Brett!
BRETT
Price of the pictures! You want 'em?
HELEN
They're the only chance I have to save Gil... Yes... Yes, I want them.
BRETT
(ON FIRE)... and I want you. Oh, my darling, my divine fire-and-marble Helen, oh how I want you... kiss me!
GIL
(BURSTING IN SUDDENLY) Yes, Helen, kiss him! If that's what you want to!
HELEN
Gil! Oh, Gil!
BRETT
(GOADING) You walked in at the right time, Whitney!
GIL
I usually do when you're around. Chapman!
HELEN
Gil... You don't understand...
GIL
I understand what I saw!
HELEN
Gil I... I don't want to kiss Brett... I don't want to SEE him!
GIL
You weren't resisting!
HELEN
It's the price Brett asked for the pictures
GIL
What pictures?
HELEN
Gil... oh Gil, don't look at me like that! Brett... tell him. Explain to him.
BRETT
Why should I? I'd be happy to have Whitney think anything he chooses! He can't do anything for you now, Helen. It's about time he set you free for a guy like me, who can give you the world!
HELEN
Gil, don't listen to that! Brett has some snapshots I managed to get of Fay Granville...
GIL
I thought I told you to stay away from Fay, Helen!
HELEN
Gil, Fay has never permitted her picture to be taken. I... I thought if I could get one, get the newspapers to print it, someone would see her who knew her. Gil, aren't you listening?
GIL
Give me the pictures, Helen. (PAUSE) I said, give them to me.
HELEN
(AFTER A BEAT) Here they are...
SFX: PAPERS RUSTLING
HELEN
Gil, with these pictures we have a chance... with these photographs...
SFX: PICTURES RIPPING IN HALF
HELEN
(ALARMED) What are you doing?
GIL
This is what I'm doing!
HELEN
Gil... don't tear them... don't! They're our only chance, Gil, to get you out of this trap Fay has set! Brett... stop him!
BRETT
(CHEERFULLY) Not me!
HELEN
Gil, stop!! (QUIETER) Oh Gil, you've destroyed them. Torn Fay's pictures into shreds.
GIL
Yes I Have. (NOBLY) I'd rather spend the rest of my life fighting Fay Granville, than let anything Brett Chapman has to offer come into your home, Helen. (PAUSE) Now go ahead and kiss him if you want to. But don't do it for a price!
SFX: GIL TURNS AND WALKS OUT, CLOSING DOOR SHARPLY.
HELEN
(CRUSHED) Oh Gil... Gil, you've ruined everything, everything with your terrible jealousy...
BRETT
He sure has. (SARCASTICALLY) And that's the guy you love!
HELEN
Yes, Brett... I love him. I love him. Oh but... Oh Gil, our one chance...
BRETT
He deserves to have Fay Granville hook him.
HELEN
No he doesn't! This is your fault, Brett. You came here to make a cheap bargain, knowing how I feel about Gil.
BRETT
And knowing someday you'll get over it. As for the bargain, I made it and I'm holding you to it.
HELEN
Don't come near me!
BRETT
I've had my kiss. I'll wait for the next one. Until I pick you up tomorrow evening at nine, for Fay's party... as agreed, Helen!
HELEN
(RESIGNED) Yes, I agreed.
BRETT
Well! Good!
HELEN
But I'm not going because you forced me to, Brett. I'm going because I must. Gil Whitney has destroyed my one chance at finding out who Fay Granville is with those snapshots of her. The only chance I'll have to find any other evidence will be at her home tomorrow. No matter what Gil says now, I must go! I must get into that house!
ANNOUNCER
Meanwhile, Gil Whitney, still in a fury of jealousy, reaches his own handsome home in Hollywood. He enters the dimly lit hall, steps into the long, dropped living room in semi-darkness, and stops, as he hears a too-familiar voice...
FAY
Gil, Darling...
GIL
Fay Granville, what are you doing here?
FAY
(INNOCENTLY) I called you and called you, darling, and got no answer.
GIL
I was out!
FAY
I know you were out! When you weren't at the office and you weren't at home, I knew where you'd be! I drove past Helen Trent's house, and there was your car. So I came back here to your house to wait for you.
GIL
Fay... I don't have to account to you for where I go, and I object to being trailed.
FAY
Oh, but after all, Gil we're announcing my engagement to marry at my party tomorrow night...
GIL
I'm not announcing anything. Fay! What you do is your affair alone!
FAY
You know it isn't, Gil!
GIL
Fay, I don't want to talk about this tonight, I... I... I've had a bad day.
FAY
(SMIRKS) Why yes, I saw through the big patio window at Helen Trent's house. It's just as I told you, Gil darling. The minute your back is turned, you'll always find Helen Trent with Brett Chapman.
GIL
Fay... I don't permit anyone to say those things to me.
FAY
You're not still loyal to Helen Trent!?
GIL
I'll answer your question Fay, to get rid of you. I've been hurt tonight. Badly. And I'm a wildly jealous man. It'll take me a while to get over it. But if you ask me, do I love Helen Trent? Yes. With all my being.
FAY
Well. It's too bad. But I intend to spend the next months of my life taking your mind off Helen Trent.
GIL
Fay, I told you I'm tired. I had a rough day. Don't come here threatening me! You're giving this party tomorrow night. And you're going to get up before a lot of people and tell that I'm going to marry you, but you'll know I'm not!
FAY
Are you trying to walk out now, Gil?
GIL
I'm not trying anything! But when it comes to a showdown, there are laws of decency protecting honest men from women like you.
FAY
What laws, Gil?
GIL
You haven't a thing to hold me with. Fay, except your threat to harm Helen Trent.
FAY
(SARCASTIC) Have I threatened to harm your precious Helen Trent?
GIL
Oh look here. Fay, it's too late for kidding! Your wide, beautiful green eyes don't look so innocent to me anymore. You know you and your brother, Darcy, would stop at nothing to harm Helen!
FAY
Oh, my brother, Gil. You know my brother Darcy... he isn't quite, uhhh, responsible. And Helen has made him angry.
GIL
By not accepting his rotten advances, I suppose?
FAY
I really can't be responsible for Darcy, Gil... though of course I TRY to control him.
GIL
Fay, I know his angles as well as you. You, with the help of my malicious wife in name only, Cynthia, have devised this trap to separate me from Helen Trent. I can see it as plain as my hand. And you're using Darcy as a sword over my head! Right now there isn't much I can do. But the next step is your party, and I warn you...
FAY
Warn me of what, Gil darling?
GIL
Don't come near me. Fay!
FAY
(PURRING) You're tired, Gil. You're talking too much... wearing yourself out.
GIL
Fay... Please go away!
FAY
Why, Gil?
GIL
Fay... I don't want your arms around my neck!
FAY
You did once, Gil. And this IS the night before we announce our engagement.
GIL
Fay. Leave this house. Leave it now. You can't stay here!
FAY
(WHISPERED) Kiss me, Gil.
GIL
Fay... let go of me. No... I don't want your arms around me.
FAY
Kiss me just once, Gil. Just once. Then I'll go. Like this...
SFX: CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
GIL
(STARTLED) What was that?
FAY
(LAUGHS) Recording our kiss for posterity, Gil. (VOICE UP) You can come out from behind that sofa now, Darcy!
GIL
(OUTRAGED) What have you done. Fay? What is the meaning of this!
FAY
Helen Trent thought a picture of me would be so-o-o valuable. So my brother Darcy, and I decided to get one of us, Gil... you and me. I'll send Helen a copy. You can't see MY face, but you'll see yours , Gil, and with this little record for evidence, you won't be so difficult tomorrow night at the party. I got the idea from Helen Trent! Helen was so anxious to have my picture. I thought I'd get her one she won't forget! Yes, I'm announcing our engagement, Gil. And I don't think you'll care to argue with the picture that Darcy has just taken of you and me! Our kiss now belongs to history, darling... and our future has just begun! See you tomorrow... at the party!
MUSIC: UP FOR CLOSE, THEN OUT
ACT 5: BLOODTHIRSTY KATE
ANNOUNCER
It doesn't look good for Helen Trent. Or Gil Whitney. After being tossed about by the winds and waves, both their hearts are on a collision course with the rocks of love.
Our next story, "Bloodthirsty Kate," is sampled from a 1956 episode of "[Theatre of] Romance." This final act of our performance tonight continues our theme of affairs of the heart on the high seas and shows that even pirates have trouble finding love...
SFX: INTERMITTENT CREAKING OF THE SHIP
BLACKTON
Sit ye down mates...
SFX: MUGGERIDGE & GONFALON SITTING
MUGGERIDGE
Aye, Cap'n
GONFALON
Thank you, sir.
BLACKTON
I have called a council of war, so to speak, because our fortunes have sunk to a horrible bottom.
GONFALON
Bad as that, cap'n?
BLACKTON
Worse! We ain't got a brass farthing in the coffer... and the rum aboard's only fit for pigs and the crew...
MUGGERIDGE
S'truth?
BLACKTON
S'truth.
MUGGERIDGE
Gor...
BLACKTON
We ain't seen a ruddy ship for nigh on three weeks... and something's got to be done. How's about running down to Trineedad? We might find pickings there...
GONFALON
Beggin' the cap'n's pardon... I've heard tell that Bloodthirsty Kate's in them waters... and she don't take kindly to anyone poachin' on her rights...
BLACKTON
Bloodthirsty Kate? That miserable old cow? Callin' herself a pirate? That scurvy excuse for a woman? I'd like to meet her just once, I'd blow the whole flamin' lot out of the sea... come on... We're sailin' for Trineedad.
MUSIC: BRIDGE AND OUT
SFX: EXTERIOR SHIP SOUNDS... WIND... WAVES
LOOKOUT
(MALE; WELL OFF, CALLING) A sail-ho! Off the starboard bow... Sail-ho!
SFX: AD LIB EXCITEMENT IN BACK GROUND
GANFALON
Here Muggridge... give me the glass... let's have a look at her...
MUGGERIDGE
Aye, here 'tis.
GANFALON
(BEAT) Gor Blimey (QUICKLY) Here...have a look . .  .Muggerridge... have a look... Tell me what color she is...
MUGGERIDGE
Half a mo'... (BEAT) Lum-mee...it's red... all red...
GANFALON
That's what I thought. It's her all right... Bloodthirsty Kate... I knew... I knew we shouldn't have trespassed down here. We're in for it now, and no mistake...
BLACKTON
(FADING ON) What is it? What is it?
GANFALON
Starboard, Cap'n... red ship...
BLACKTON
Blimey! Bloodthirsty Kate. Bloodthirsty Kate!
(OFF TO CREW) Ahoy... men! She's bound to be loaded down with ransom. Gold . .  .silver... precious jewels... good rum... What a prize, eh? What a prize! Bloodthirsty Kate.
Look at her, men... she's too big... too clumsy... we'll rake her across the bow, and give her a broadside that'll make her strike...
SFX: WALLAH, HEARTY CHEERS
BLACKTON
All right bullys... pass out the cutlasses... pistols... run up the Jolly Roger, and let's have a do.
SFX: WALLAH, GREAT CHEERS, AND AD LIBS EXCITEMENT UNDER
SFX: RUNNING STEPS (OFF) CUTLASSES (OFF) RATTLING
BLACKTON
(OFF) Gun crews to your stations!
SFX: (MALE) CHEERS
SFX: CANNON FIRE AND SMALL ARMS FIRE
SFX: (FEMALE) CAST CHEERS
BANDINAGE
She still has not struck her colors, ma capitaine Kate. Shall we give one more broadside and finish the pig?
KATE
No! We'll board. Is me hat on straight?
BANDINAGE
Oui, ma capitaine.
KATE
Save the captain for me then... I want the pleasure of splittin' him on me sword...
BANDINAGE
Aye, ma capitaine... (TURNING TO CREW, SHOUTING) Prepare to board the enemy... Save their captain for Captain Kate.
SFX: SHIPS BUMP. CLASS OF CUTLASSES. PISTOL FIRE
SFX: (ALL) CHEERS AND GROANS
KATE
(BELLOWING) Keep them off my ship. I don't want the decks all messed up with blood...
SFX: A WAVE OF CUTLASS SLASHED UP AND DOWN
CAST: CHEERS AND GROANS UP AND DOWN
BLACKTON
(AS HE FIGHTS) Ahoy... Gonfalon... umph! Do you see Bloodthirsty Kate? Umppph! I want her for meself afore someone else does her in...
GANFALON
(SLIGHTLY OFF, FIGHTING) On the poop deck, Cap'n... on the poop deck...
BLACKTON
(SEES HER) Aye... Aye... (YELLING) Ahoy! Ahoy Bloodthirsty Kate! Yer knock-kneed old daughter of a grampus... I'll slice yer into herring food!
KATE
(OFF) Who are you?
BLACKTON
Captain Blackton! That's who.
KATE
(FADING ON QUICKLY) So you're the snivelling fop-doodle who's come poachin' in my ocean, eh? I'll teach yer to muck about with Bloodthirsty Kate... Have at ya!
SFX: GRAND FIGHT
SFX: APPROPIRATE GRUNTS FROM KATE AND BLACKTON. IN B.G. MAIN BATTLE IS OVER. SURVIVORS ARE CHEERING BLACKTON AND KATE.
BLACKTON
(BREATHING HARD) I've beat them . .  .and... I've loved them... but I never thought... I'd have the pleasure... of... carvin' up a woman...
KATE
(FIGHTING HARD) Yer greasy bit of blubber... I'll use yer head as a mop to swab the decks when I'm finished with yer...
BANDINAGE
(SLIGHTLY OFF) Ma capitaine... we have won the day... the ship is ours... your orders?
KATE
(TO BANDINAGE AS SHE FIGHTS) Hold on 'till I finish with... pig-dog here...
BANDINAGE
Oui, ma capitaine...
SFX: (OFF) CLASH OF CUTLASSES
SFX: (OFF) GRUNTS OF BLACKTON AND KATE
SFX: CUTLASSES ON AND IN BACKGROUND
KATE
(PUFFED; TO BLACKTON) I'll say this for yer fat toad... no man's stood up afore Bloodthirsty Kate for this long... in mortal combat... and lived to tell it...
BLACKTON
(BUSHED) I . .  .never... had no mortal... combat with no woman... afore... yer rancid old saddle-o-mutton... but there's not been a man fought against me as well nor as long...
SFX: STEPS FADE ON
BANDINAGE
(SLIGHTLY OFF) Ma capitaine... I beg to inform you that our crew has returned to our ship. It is no longer safe to say here... the ship is sinking... the decks are awash...
KATE
Hold yer sword a minute, Blackton...
SFX: CUTLASSES OUT
BLACKTON
Blimey... S'truth... my poor old tub's done for... she's going down...
KATE
We'll get aboard my ship, and I'll finish you off there.
BLACKTON
Oh, no. Rules is rules... When I beat you I take over your ship and your crew...
KATE
I haven't said you nay to that...
BLACKTON
But what about me own blinkin' crew... think I want to see them perish afore me eyes, while we fight nice and dry on your ship and they're tied up to drown here like rats?
KATE
All right. Bandinage...
BANDINAGE
Oui, ma capitaine...
KATE
Take that scurvy lot aboard, and make them take off their shoes first... I won't have me nice clean deck covered all over with nasties, and fetch me another pair of stockings. . . these has got a rip in them.
BANDINAGE
Bien, ma capitaine... it will be as you wish.
KATE
We'll finish this where it's dry, Blackton... me feet's getting' wet, and I always catch me death of cold when me feet's wet. Come on, afore we have to swim for it.
MUSIC: FOR TRANSITION
SFX: EXTERIOR SHIP CREAKS
KATE
Are you ready to continue, Blackton?
BLACKTON
I am. But first, the rules. Rules is rules... until you best me fair, you ain't got no more rights than I have. Them's pirate rules, and you know it.
KATE
Have I offered to deny it?
BLACKTON
Matter of fact... this ship and yer whole bloomin' crew belong to me and my crew when I finish with yer...
KATE
Don't yer worry yer scurvy head about that or anything else, Blackton. When I throw yer carcass overboard, yer crew goes with yer, and that's an end of it...
BLACKTON
All right, yer fish-faced old hag... we might as well get it over with... do yer worst...
KATE
Have at ya!
SFX: CUTLASSES FOR A MOMENT
LOOKOUT
(FEMALE, OFF) Sail-ho! Sail on the starboard quarter!
SFX: WALLAH, EXCITED AD LIBS
KATE
Hold on... Blackton... I got to have a look at this...
SFX: CUTLASSES OUT
BLACKTON
What do yer mean... you got to have a look... We got to have a look... I'm captain too, yer know.
SFX: FEW STEPS
KATE
Ahoy . .  .Bandinage... can yer make her out?
BANDINAGE
(FADING IN ) It appears to be a warship, ma capitaine... a ship of the line I would venture.
KATE
Looks like it, don't it...
BLACKTON
Frigate from the cut of her.
KATE
And I say... ship of the line.
BLACKTON
(SNIFFING) Frigate.
KATE
Well, I ain't hangin' about to find out... (BELLOWING) All hands... make sail... Hoist the main mainsail and top gallants.
BLACKTON
Ahoy! To whom are you giving orders?
KATE
My crew...
BLACKTON
How about my crew?
KATE
Put them up with mine... not that they'll be worth a hang...
BLACKTON
Supposin' me and my crew don't choose to run? Supposin' we chose to stay and fight?
KATE
(You off yer nut? There's a whole squadron muckin' about in these waters. Suppose that's the leader?)
BLACKTON
Aye, but suppose it ain't. I could do with another ship... and until you finish me off, which you ain't likely to do... seems to me we ought to have a go at yon vessel.
KATE
I ain't goin' to stand here and argue, Blackton...
BLACKTON
I've got as much rights as you have. You agreed to that. I'm Captain pro tem... the same as you.
KATE
What are you gassin' about? "Pro tem"?
BLACKTON
(SUPERIOR) That's education, what I have... and what you have not... pro tem... temporarily... for the time being.
KATE
Well, we ain't goin' to be temporary for long... nor anything else... the Royal Navy's comin' up fast, and if you'd open yer nasty squinty little eyes you'll see she is a ship of the line... and we're clearin' off. (SARCASM) With yer permission, Captain! (CALLING) Bandinage... we'll steer for Grenada.
BANDINAGE
(OFF) Aye, aye, ma capitaine.
BLACKTON
(DISGUSTED) Gor... 30 guns aboard... and afeerd of a great hulk like that . .  .Gor!
MUSIC: BRIDGE AND OUT
SFX: SHIP UNDER WAY, CREAKS, ETC
KATE
(SATISFIED) Well... we won't have to worry about the navy for a bit. I've got the fastest ship in the Caribbean, and that's a fact.
BLACKTON
We've got the fastest ship (SHOUTING) Ahoy! You at the wheel... keep yer luff.(TO KATE) She ain't no quarter-bloody-master. I'm goin' to put one of my men at the wheel... never seed such carelessness... look at the sails.
KATE
What's the matter with them?
BLACKTON
Look at them... that's all..flappin' all over the place like washin' on the line. Oh well... what can yer expect with a woman in charge. No discipline. No idea of seamanship.
KATE
They look all right to me.
BLACKTON
Call yerself a sailor? Gor! (SHOUTING) Ahoy... Gonfalon...
GANFALON
Aye, captain?
BLACKTON
See them sails?
GANFALON
Aye, sir.
BLACKTON
What do you think the way they're set?
GANFALON
It wouldn't be polite to say in front of a lady, sir.
BLACKTON
Put them to rights... with our crew... not hers.
GANFALON
Aye, Captain. (FADE OFF CALLING) Blackton's bully boys... aloft to trim sail... let's show them how it's done.
KATE
(OVER GONFALON's) I don't hear myself give no orders to do that.
BLACKTON
No. You heard me. Now look here... something's got to be done about this... and that's a fact. There ain't no ship afloat can be commanded by two captains. It ain't in the nature of things.
KATE
It's my ship.
BLACKTON
How many times must I tell you... it's our ship... pro tem... until we settle it. Either you beat me or I beat you.
KATE
Well, then I say let's finish it quick... pistols at 10 paces... how's that for yer?
BLACKTON
I couldn't be happier.
KATE
All right... so be it. (SHOUTING) Bandinage! Bring up them dueling pistols what I took off the Spaniard in Panama.
GANFALON
Dueling pistols! Begging your pardon, Captain, but you can't hit the side of a galleon with no pistol.
BLACKTON
Hold yer tongue, Gonfalon!
BANDINAGE
(OFF) Aye, aye, ma capitaine.
BLACKTON
And how's about a drop of rum afore we begin? I'm fair parched.
KATE
(SHOUTING) And Badinage, bring some rum.
BANDINAGE
(FURTHER OFF) Aye, ma capitaine.
BLACKTON
(SATISFIED) Do me the honor of casting your eyes aloft. That's the way to set a sail. I always says it takes a man to do a man's job.
KATE
Meanin'?
BLACKTON
Yer a female... and yer crew behaves like a lot of blink' females... though seein' as how they're led by one... it's human nature I suppose.
KATE
Who defeated who in battle? Who's ship defeated who's?
BLACKTON
(AIRILY) Oh, that? S'nuthin'...luck. I'll admit... me ship wasn't much... heavy in the head... not enough guns... but it wasn't no seamanship that won for yer... just luck... besides which I had it planned that way... to attack yer, so I could take over yer ship. I had it planned.
KATE
Gor! You're a ruddy marvel! I never heard such a spoutin' of drivel in me life. When I blow yer head off I'm goin' to have it mounted in me cabin so I can look at it, and be happy I was born a woman.
SFX: STEPS FADE ON
BANDINAGE
(FADING ON) The pistols, ma capitaine... and the rum.
KATE
All right. Is me hair done up all right?
BANDINAGE
Beautiful... charming, ma capitaine.
KATE
Woman should always look her best no matter what. Thats what I always say. Come on now, Blackton, have yer last drink, cause the next thing you'll be tastin' is salt water.
BLACKTON
I'll drink a toast to you then, Kate...yer only a woman... and not much to look at, at that, but you're not afraid to die at the hands of a marksman such as meself.
SFX: BLACKTON DRINKS
KATE
(ON CUE, WITH SOME RESPECT) Gor... he's got a gullet like a hippopotamus! (TO BLACKTON) Give the bottle over, afore you drain it.
BLACKTON
(SIGHING) Ah... that's a lovely drop of rum, that is...
KATE
Here's to yer, Blackton... I'll have more pleasure doin' you in than I've had since I strung up the Spanish Admiral at Porto Bello. (GLUGS) Ahhhh. All right... take yer choice of pistols, Blackton. Don't make no difference to me.
BLACKTON
I'll have this one. All loaded... fair?
SFX: COCK PISTOL
KATE
Course they are.
SFX: COCKS HER PISTOL
BLACKTON
All right. Sure you want to die this way? No hard feelings?
KATE
No hard feelings.
BLACKTON
I hate to do it... don't seem fair, somehow.
KATE
What?
BLACKTON
I'll admit you're not bad with a cutlass...but... you haven't got a chance with pistols.
KATE
That's my hard luck then, ain't it. Here, Bandinage... you count for us. Ten paces.
BANDINAGE
Ah, oui, ma capitaine.
BLACKTON
(SIGHING) It's a shame...
KATE
What's a shame?
BLACKTON
That you couldn't have stayed at home like a decent woman... had babies... and been a lovin' wife to some hard workin' man. Then I wouldn't be in the dreadful position of havin' to commit cold blooded murder.
KATE
You wouldn't have minded doin' murder with a cutlass?
BLACKTON
That's different! That's sportin' like. This is murder. I'll tell yer straight, I don't like it. It gives me the queasies in me belly.
KATE
Don't worry. I'll shoot you in the belly. It'll make yer queasies feel better. Start counting, Bandinage.
BANDINAGE
One...
SFX: STEPS TO MATCH...WITH BLACKTON
BANDINAGE
...two... three...four...five...six... seven...
BLACKTON
Stop! Stop...
SFX STEPS OUT
BLACKTON
I can't do it. I can't, that's all.
KATE
(OFF) What do yer mean you can't do it?
BLACKTON
Murder... that's what it is, and Captain Blackton draws the line at murderin' a woman. Here...
SFX DROP PISTOL TO DECK
BLACKTON
I drop me gun. Shoot me. Go on. Shoot. It ain't in the rules, and you won't have defeated me in honorable combat, but I'd rather you shot me down like a dog, than have to commit murder.
SFX: KATE'S STEPS FADE ON
KATE
(FADING ON) Listen yer miserable old barrel of spoiled pork. Yer know I can't do that. I'd lose face with me crew. Now pick up yer pistol and we'll have another go at it.
BLACKTON
No... no. Me conscience won't allow it. I look at yer, and I think of me mother... bless her poor dear heart.
KATE
Blast yer mother, and blast you, Blackton. It ain't right playin' on me sentiments like that.
BLACKTON
Here . .  .Kate. Let's have another drop of rum and talk this over. There's got to be another way...
KATE
Well... there ain't. One of us has got to be captain and one of us has got to die. It ain't good for the crew. Look at them. Standin' around like a lot of lost children. Fair makes yer heart bleed.
BLACKTON
Ah . .  .there . .  .there...see? That's what yer problem is. Children! You got an hidden hunger to fulfill your womanly functions so to speak. They ain't men and women to you... they're children.
KATE
Have I got to listen to this muck?
BLACKTON
Here. . . Have another swig of rum.
SFX: SHE DRINKS
BLACKTON
Kate. I have an idea...
KATE
What?
BLACKTON
Suppose we left off tryin' to kill each other.
KATE
How can we? Somebody's got to be captain.
BLACKTON
We both would be...
KATE
You're barmy. Here. Have a swig, yourself.
BLACKTON
Don't mind if I do.
SFX: HE DRINKS
BLACKTON
Both of us, Kate. I don't mind admitting... in these past few hours... I've taken a great liking to yer. I have a respect. Yer the first woman I've respected since me mother.
KATE
I accept the compliment in the manner it is given.
BLACKTON
Well... the crew... the crew, they need a leader... they need a man... and they need a woman... your tender ministrations to keep them happy as children... mine to keep them happy and strong.
KATE
(SLOWLY) Blackton... are you suggestin' what I think yer suggestin'?
BLACKTON
Holy wedlock. Solves the whole problem.
KATE
Lum-me...
BLACKTON
Captain and Mrs. Horace Blackton. How does it sound to yer?
KATE
Captain Horace, and Captain Kate Blackton sounds better but I ain't sayin' it'll do. I'll have to think about it.
BLACKTON
Why don't you. I'm not a bad sort, and I can see you and I could have a bit of fun, what with piracy and all. There's a thousand pounds on my head.
KATE
There's a thousand on mine too.
BLACKTON
Well, there you are. We'd be the most famous couple in history. You think about it, Kate. I'd be very proud if you'll give yer consent.
KATE
With yer permission, Captain, I'll retire to me cabin. Me sentiments is all stirred up, and I'd like to gain me composure, so to speak.
BLACKTON
Yer servent, mum. (CALLING) Ahoy... Bandinage! Help your Captain to her quarters then come back. I've got orders for yer.
BANDINAGE
(OFF) Oui, monsieur.
KATE
Me poor bloody heads all of a swirl, Captain... I do declare!
BLACKTON
Rest easy, mum... yer servant, mum.
SFX: KATE'S STEPS GO OFF
BLACKTON
(CHUCKLES. THEN ROARS WITH LAUGHTER)
GANFALON
(FADING ON) Everything all right, sir?
BLACKTON
Everything's lovely, Gonfalon.
GANFALON
I didn't half get wind up when I seen you startin' the duel with her. She's a dead shot.
BLACKTON
I know. I know, and I can't hit the side of an elephant at five paces. But I couldn't let her know that. It had to be done artful like.(CHUCKLES) and there never was a woman who didn't go all soft when you play on their heart strings. I'm going to marry her, Gonfalon.
GANFALON
Marry her?
BLACKTON
That's right. We'll have a ship, her ship... a nice big crew, her crew... and a good cook that'll be her. What more could a pirate ask for?
KATE
(COMING ON) Cook is it! I heard that remark. I'll do no cookin' for the likes of you!
BLACKTON
Kate... now... Kate... listen...
KATE
I listened... I heard...
SFX: DRAW CUTLASS
KATE
HAVE AT YA!
BLACKTON
Kate!
SFX: DRAWS CUTLASS
BLACKTON
Well, all right.
SFX: CUTLASSES
MUSIC: UP TO CLOSE
ACT SIX: CONCLUSION
LONESOME GAL
You know, Sweetie, it's Valentine's night and I hope you've got a special friend, someone that you know and understand so well that just sitting together without a word spoken is enough. Sharing the wonderful bond of friendship. It doesn't matter where you are, in a boat casting for salmon, playing a game of cards, or sitting in the Kiggins Theatre listening to Re-Imagined Radio. You and your friend are enjoying each other, and somehow the fishing is better, the card game is more interesting, the drama is more enjoyable. So, Angel, be generous with all the things you have. Share them with your friends.
Well, hon, I've always said that I like everybody, but that doesn't apply to the guy that invented the clock. I no sooner get snuggled up and cozy with you and then I have to leave. I'll be back again soon, and I'll look forward to another visit with you. I don't know about you, but my time away makes my heart grow fonder. That proves to me that your Lonesome Gal loves ya better than anybody in the whole world.
(SINGS)
Who knows
What tomorrow may bring
I wonder whether I'll know
When my heart starts to sing
If you have love to spare
Lips to share
Why don't you be a pal
Share them
With your Lonesome Gal
Who knows
What tomorrow may bring
I wonder whether I'll know
When my heart starts to sing
If you have love to spare
Lips to share
Why don't you be a pal
Share them
With your Lonesome Gal
Goodnight baby.
ANNOUNCER
That concludes tonight's performance of Re-Imagined Radio. Four short stories and remarks from Lonesome Gal. Our theme tonight has been "Affairs of the Heart." Romance. True love. Perfect for a Valentines date night. Tonight you have been entertained by...
Rebekah Sharpe as Vivian Wilson, Sue Rogers, Fay Granville, and Bandinage
Arianna Dorenbosch as Sarah Wilson, Claire Paris, Helen Trent, and Captain Bloodthirsty Kate
Derek Nolan as Richard Marshall, the newsie, the priest, Gil Whitney, and Muggeridge
Larry Taylor as the marriage office clerk, James Dyke, and Captain Blackton
Greg Shilling as the warden, Brett Chapman, and Gonfalon
and, Barbara Richardson as the lookout and Lonesome Gal.
This is John Barber, your announcer. Thank you so much for joining us tonight. Please watch for our next performance. Until then, go well and take care of your heart. But don't be too cautious. Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you will land among the stars. Goodnight everyone and thank you for supporting us in what we love, entertaining you.
MUSIC: UP FULL AND CONTINUE AS AUDIENCE EXITS.